The Update and Struggle

 

The Update and Struggle 

 

There’s a few who know.  There will be more after this.  I said not too long ago that two major things happened to me in October.  Now I feel I can talk about the big one because it’s over.  I got kicked off a job site for reporting a manager of favoritism.  Allegedly I was seen as “disruptive “the only charge they could come up with for me and one of my coworkers.  Another coworker was fired for suggesting there also may have been sexual activity involved by the manager as well.  It was an ugly day.  I didn’t know the next few days would get worse for me.  That became a blessing because I got away from a horrible job and boss.  While I was in training for a new job my wife left me.  That has been a major source of pain in my life.  This past week I got the finalization of my divorce.  It was no contest.  She divorced me.  We didn’t fight over anything.  If I find stuff of hers I simply give it to her mom.  She is a grown woman who made her own choices.  She even took the dog with her which was fine though because the dog only liked her and tolerated me.  

Currently I have no sense of direction or purpose to my life other than going to work, eating, sleeping and taking care of my dog Arisia.  Arisia has been one of the best things to have happened.  My family helps me a lot.  I have a Bible study group I try to go to on Tuesday nights.  I’ve been through hurt, pain, depression, anger, lots of tears and more.  I’ve been on an off an antidepressant.  I even wrote a fictional story channeling all my hurt into my fictional alter ego the White Shadow.  For 10 years I was married I went through good and bad days.  I loved my wife and I treated her the best I could everyday.  I tried so hard to make my marriage last and prayed so hard for us as a couple every day.   This is my life now.  

 

Each day I try to seek God and draw closer to Him.  I don’t always get it right.  If I don’t seek Him though I would lose my sanity after all I’ve gone through.  I’ve experienced more hurt than a man should ever deal with.  If anyone ever tells you guys don’t cry, they’ve never met me.  I’m 46 years old I fear being invisible to women.  I don’t know what to do with my life but I’m trying to take those feelings to God in prayer because it’s all I’ve got left.  A lot of days I’m just numb.  I feel a bit relieved since the divorce is over.  It gives things some finality.  

 

I’ve often pointed the readers of the blog to 1 Peter 5:7

 

“Give all your worries and cares to God because he cares for you”. 

 

I need that verse more than anyone because I’ve come to a point where I feel I’m not capable of being loved.  Like I said it’s a daily moment by moment of praying and asking God to help me deal with all of this.  If you meet someone who has been divorced, I can tell you in all honesty you don’t know their full story.  They need friends more than you could ever imagine.  I’m not fully emotionally healed, and I don’t know when I will be.  But I continue to seek God.  That’s what I urge you to do as well.  You’re going to have good and bad days just like me but seek God!  

 

I want to close with a few song lyrics.  

 

“When I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to your love

You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together 

You are the defender of my heart”

 

“When I think I’m going under 

Part the waters, Lord

When I feel the waves around me

Calm the sea

When I cry for help, O hear me Lord

And hold out your hand

Touch my life

Still the raging storm in me”

 

 

Part the waters by Selah 

Defender by Francisca Battestelli

Needyou now by Plumb

Sparrow Missile

 

Sparrow missile 

 

I don’t blog as much as I used to.  I struggle at times with a sense of purpose and direction.  I recently finished writing a story where I channeled a lot of my emotions into one character.  I find myself often switching what I listen to and read to get my eyes fixed back on God.  Problems in life will overwhelm you.  Like Robin the Boy Wonder asked “Why isn’t anyone just whelmed?  It’s always over or underwhelmed.”  Life can at times come at you like a sparrow missile.  But here’s the thing instead of a weapon I needed to be reminded this week what God has done for the birds.  Sometimes we need to look up and remember that the stars, the sky, the sun, and moon aren’t there by accident.  They don’t even fly off into space.  There’s a God in control and he’s taking care of all of this, and he can take care of you and me.  I read two verses Saturday night that got me off my stinking thinking and directed me back to God because I needed to remember that God takes care of the sparrow and the swallow.  Two little birds!  Maybe just maybe you need to look at them too.  

 

Psalm 84:3-4

 

“Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young—

A place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my King, and my God 

Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.”  

 

It referred to the birds finding a place for a nest near God’s altar.  That brought something to mind that I hadn’t thought about in some years.  I used to go to Zephyr Baptist Encampment at least once a year for youth camp and there was a building where we met for church services called the tabernacle.  This building had bird nests everywhere.  Now here’s verses years before about birds being near God’s altar and years later a place of worship surrounded by bird’s nests.  Yeah, I don’t think that escaped God’s attention at all.  At my job I walk around with Christian music playing directly into my hearing aids while I’m verifying that buildings are locked singing loudly not caring that anyone can hear.  I’m pretty sure God notices that.  If you’ve ever watched the movie the Highlander in it the Immortals can’t fight on Holy Ground.    Sometimes we need to remember where we are with those sparrows and swallows flying around that can actually be Holy Ground.  Maybe there’s not a church or an altar around but we can still pray and sing to God, and we can turn that place into Holy Ground.  Maybe you need to be like that crazy security guard who’s walking around a college campus in the wee hours of the morning singing.  Because I think the best way to end this is would be……..

 

“O, Praise the name of the Lord our God.  

O, praise his name forevermore. 

For endless days we will sing Your praise 

O Lord, O Lord, our God.”  

 

 

 

With everything by Hillsong 

O, praise the name by Hillsong 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh

Blessed be your name by Rebecca St James

 

Day by Day

Day by Day

 

Recently I posted on Facebook that there’s a conversation at the end of Rambo First Blood part 2 that I very much relate to lately.  Colonel Trautman asks Rambo after his long one-man war and rescue of the POWs.  “How will you live, John?”  “Day by Day.”  Sometimes all we can do is live day by day seeking God in prayer.  

 

I work a strange night’s schedule 2 eight hour shifts with 2 12 hour shifts between them then 3 days off.  Recently a lot of things happened at work.  But before I tell you about that you need to get a mild amount of background.  I’m not complaining about it, just stating facts.  So, one of the guards backed the golf cart we use into a vehicle.  Our main boss took away golf cart privileges from everyone.  Now we walk all over campus where I work.  I had one of the dispatchers tell me to my face I was too slow.  I seriously almost got mad at him.  Then I thought about it.  I’m 46 years old.  I walk with a limp due to having one leg longer than the other because of growth hormone deficiency from birth.  I’m diabetic.  Every building we walk to has a different key we must locate among many keys.  If I’m slow I’m sorry.  I can run very fast to disarm buildings.  I wasn’t even mad because I was giving my best.  By the time you go through a 12-hour shift and I talk to this dispatcher I’m usually exhausted.  I want to tell you about some changes though.  I started the job in October.  I am still learning new things.  Recently one guard my friend Stephen quit for another job.  He and I worked well as a team.  Then another guard got fired for coming to work very drunk.  Well, we hired a new guard since then.  Suddenly the dispatcher who called me slow is treating me like a very valuable team member.  Also, I have been praying a lot on the way to work for the safety of my coworkers.  They can’t stop me because I’m in my car.  

 

On Monday nights I’m usually extremely exhausted after walking Friday-Sunday.  Well, I showed up for work this Monday night and I had told my friend Abbey and only her.  “I’m tired and hurting and exhausted.”  When you get to the point where you’re taking a 12-hour Aleve to get you through work because your legs hurt so bad, and your knees keep popping it’s about to be a long night at work.  I love my job.  I like what I do but it can wear you down.  Well, I showed up to work and the same dispatcher who called me slow asked me when the last time he made me a rover.  I didn’t remember either.  So I got to do fire watch all night.  Basically, you sit in a building all night and call in every hour making sure there’s no trouble.  I can do that.  It gave my body a chance to rest, and I was thankful to God for that rest.  I texted my mom and my friend Abbey and told them I was grateful to God for a chance to rest and not walk so much.  God provided.  

 

Psalm 71:3 asks this of God.

 

“Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my Rock and my Fortress.”  

 

Philippians 4:19

 

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 8:28

 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to His purpose.”  

 

Psalm 23:1-3

 

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”  

 

See God provided me some recovery time to give him the glory.  

 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh 

Tell me again by Geoff Moore and the Distance 

Psalm 23 by Kathy Troccoli 

Brute Beast

 

Brute beast 

 

In the comics and the 80’s Tv show Robert David Bruce Banner was always attempting to separate himself from the Incredible Hulk.  At times he was actually able to purge himself from his raging alter ego.  In He-Man Revelations there is a moment where Prince Adam separates himself from He-Man and just becomes this savage beast.  If we let our emotions get the best of us, we become no different.  We function on instinct and stupidity.  It’s those times especially when we are emotionally messed up that we need to seek God and reconnect.  If you’re confused by this comparison, I’m making I’m about to show you in scripture why I connected with it in the way I did.  My brain goes to comics and cartoons but these verses will make sense in a moment why I mentioned the Hulk and Savage He-Man and it’s because there are so many facets to us as humans.  

 

Psalm 73:21-28

 

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.  Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.”  

 

The Psalmist Asaph described us when consumed by emotions to be like a brute beast.  It’s like the Hulk separated from Banner.  Recently my dog got an ear infection and I’ve been having my mom as well as a friend of mine try to help me with giving Arisia ear drops.  Dogs don’t like it at all and they become like a brute beast.  I basically have to pin her down to be able to have someone else give her the ear drops.  Sometimes when we’re emotionally messed up God has to go to the extreme to get us to pay attention to Him.  I love how this whole passage ends though because once we stop fighting and pay attention God is right there trying to teach us. 

 

Who am I by Point of Grace 

At your feet by Casting Crowns  

 

In Families

 In families 

 

Back in October two horrible things happened to me.  I was kicked off my work site and ended up having to leave that job.  Something else happened I am not at Liberty to speak of.  I’ve since gone through a lot of depression.  I want to share with you something that has happened around that timeframe.  I kept telling myself I needed to be around other Christian people.  One morning I had a day off so I went up to New Life Church on Airline.  I explained to the receptionist that I worked nights and didn’t have Sunday off because of 12 hours shifts so I couldn’t make it to Sunday morning services.  To some of you that literally doesn’t make sense I know.  On Saturday and Sunday, I work 7pm to 7am when I get home and you can ask my dog Arisia I simply eat, shower and head back to bed for the next shift.  I like my job, but those nights wear me out.  Anywho speaking of Shrimp Scampi.  So, I tell the receptionist I’m looking for a small group Bible study in the middle of the week at night that I could go to.  She gives me a pamphlet and shows me the men’s groups.  Before I had walked in the building, I had seen this man and woman in an suv parked next to me.  He got out and walked up to the building, then came back and then leaves again.  He kept looking at me.  As a security guard that caught my attention.  My spider sense was tingling as Spider-Man would say.  Then I noticed the lady looking at me.  A few minutes later I left.  I got home and got out of the car and being someone with hearing aids I often have trouble with the directions of voices especially when the wind is blowing.  I heard this lady yelling trying to get my attention.  So I finally located her.  Same lady that had been in the suv next to me at the church.  But wait, it gets weirder.  She followed me home and God had told her to follow me and see if there was anything she could pray with me about.  So there on my front lawn I’m telling this lady all I had been through. Her name was Katie and her and her husband are related to the pastor at New Life.  So, after all that which was only a thing God could make happen I was sitting at home going through that pamphlet I had been given.  I took a chance and texted two of the group leaders and later I got a response from one of them.  The first time I showed up I got to talk to these 3 guys Carlos, John and Fino and just poured out my heart.  Now on Tuesday when I get enough rest I go meet with this group.  We have been out to eat a few times and we text and encourage each other.  I mentioned last week that my friend Hope had told me people need to hear your story of how you recover.  I’m still a mess but I tell you all this to share something in Psalms.  One day I will share more.  

 

Psalms 68:4-6

 

“Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds— his name is the Lord.  A father to the fatherless, defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun scorched land.”

 

By being part of this small group Bible study I, someone who is extremely lonely, have been placed in a new family by God.  I’ve also had a friend who came to my house and bought me lunch and David and I just sat and talked for a long time.  I don’t know what battle you’re going through but I’m urging you to seek God.  

 

Strong God by Meredith Andrews 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh  

O, Calvary’s lamb bySandi Patty

Moments

Moments 

 

 

Recently I was watching the online service for First Baptist Corpus and they had a recap of the year.  One thing that hit me is they talked a lot about the small moments and interactions we have with people and how simple things mean so much to someone else.  It really made me think.  I have a lot of friends who are former wait staff. We would not be friends had I not stopped and treated them like a person who mattered.  Been praying a lot lately for God to give me a sense of purpose in my life.  I just feel like I work and pay bills, breathe, and eat and sleep.  I want to cause people to have moments and know they matter to someone else.  If it’s a kind word or gift, I want to be that person.  Compliment your server.  I saw so much on Facebook about being nice to retail workers at Christmas but why only then? 

 

We need to be better at our interactions.  

 

Ephesians 4:32

 

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  

 

Ephesians 5:19-20 

 

“Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.  Sing and make music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”  

 

I want to be different in my moments and interactions.   

 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  

 

My friend Hope recently reminded me that other people watch our struggles and need to know how we made it through and that’s why sharing what God has done in us matters so much.  I’ve been going through a lot of emotional issues lately and I was very honest with my men’s group that I meet with and told them with all I’ve been through lately there are times I look at the sky and say.  “Lord, if you can hold all this together, I believe you can heal my heart.”  I also told them that one of the hardest things for me some days is just to listen a devotional on Youversion or pick up my Bible and read it but I know it’s the only way I can heal with God’s help.  

 

I don’t know what you struggle with but seek God and treat others better this year.  

 

More than anything by Point of Grace 

Friends by Michael W Smith

Circle of Friends by Point of Grace and Kenny Rogers

Live to Tell by Geoff Moore and the Distance 

Dare 2 B Different by DeGarmo and Key

Simple but so difficult

 

Simple but so difficult 

 

I haven’t worked on a blog in a while as some may have noticed.  Things in my life as I have mentioned before are falling apart rapidly.  If you see me in person, I could use a hug and prayer more than you could ever know.  I’m not really talking about what’s going on.  I keep coming back to these certain verses in Psalm 42 and 43.  They are simple but so difficult to apply.  Lately I walk through my days praying asking God for some sense of purpose because I feel like I have none.  My life changed drastically in October.  The changes have shaken me to the very core of my being.  I struggle with day-to-day things and the mundane a lot.  At the end of Psalm 42 and 43 they have the exact same verses that say this.

 

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!”  

 

There will come times in your life when things just fall apart, and circumstances are just so far from any sense of control.  You have to choose where to turn.  Daily I have to choose to seek God.  I don’t always get it right.  The sad and discouraging part in these verses I can relate to so much lately.  

 

This is something else you and I need to remember.

 

Psalm 46:1-3

 

“God is our refuge and strength, 

Always ready to help in times of trouble.

So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.  

Let the oceans roar and foam.  Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!”

 

There are days I just have to remind myself that God is still in control.  If I don’t I lose my sanity.  I don’t know what battle you may be mentally and emotionally facing but you need to remember that.  This is a blog geared for Hope and I struggle with needing it myself.  

 

 

Hurricane by Natalie Grant 

Whole world in his hands by Christy Nockels