We
wait.
Since
October of last year my life has been upside down and out of whack. I
have prayed repeatedly and so often for a sense of purpose and hope. I
still have days I struggle and pray for God to answer that. I live just
day by day trying my best to just be the best I can be. I have struggled
with a fear of failure and feeling like God has forsaken me. I know he hasn’t,
but I get hammered with those thoughts because Satan tries to tell me God
couldn’t love me because a single human woman can’t even love me. I don’t
think any of you understand the rejection you experience when a spouse just
chooses not to love you and leaves. I was married for 10 years and for
maybe 6 of them I was loved and then I wasn’t. I got told by her that she
wasn’t going to hug me or kiss me or tell me she loved me because she didn’t
want to hurt me when she left. No matter what I said, tried or did would
change the way I was treated. At one point I was even kicked out of my
own bedroom till I said no. I had no idea the emotional abuse I was
dealing with. I loved her with every fiber of my being and tried so hard
to keep my marriage together because all I wanted was to be loved.
I was in a loveless marriage. I tried on a daily basis to be
husband of the year, and nothing was ever good enough. I forgive her and
she made her choices I wasn’t one of them and at some point, we drifted apart.
I will be the first to admit there were many times as a husband I failed
as well. I’m just as flawed as the next person.
More
and more I try to fill my heart and mind with God’s Word. I try to draw
closer to God. He is hope and I need that. I have always tried with
this blog to give people hope because I know what it’s like to feel like you have
none. I’ve been having to learn who I am as a single person. I’m a
mess of a person in need of God. I live in the book of Psalms because I
can relate to the sheer array of emotions that King David and the other
Psalmists go through. I try to read a chapter a night. Sometimes
though you get to specific verses that capture your attention. Two weeks ago,
I got to go to church and you can verify this with my dog because I said it out
loud. I was nervous about going and meeting new people. I had my
hand on the door to the house and I was trying to make myself leave. Out
loud I said. “I’m so nervous about how people are going to treat me.
It’s not about me it’s about God!” I had the wrong perspective
about church. I’m not instantly going to have a sense of purpose and
hope. I have to keep praying for that and trusting God. When all of this
painful journey of me being alone began last year, I used to sit at home
staring at nothing because I didn’t know what to do I was so devastated.
Thankfully I’m not in that state anymore. I function as a
responsible person. I have good and bad days, but I make myself get out
and do things. But in the meantime, of looking for that purpose and hope
in my life I draw strength in some of the verses in the Psalms.
Psalm
33:20-22
“We
wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In Him our
hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love
rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”
Psalm
31:24
“Be
strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”
This
is one of those songs I come back to a lot when hurting. It’s called God
is faithful by Sheila Walsh.
“Are
you weary?
Are
you frightened?
When
you go to bed do you leave the light on?
When
the cold wind blows
To
disturb your peace
Do
you lock the door?
So
no one else can see
Broken
promises
Have
left their mark on you
In
your unbelief
One
thing you must hold on to
When
the road becomes to rough
When
you’re ready to give up
When
you’re crying out for love
God
is faithful.
When
your peace cannot be found
He
will never let you down.
You
have chosen solid ground.
God
is faithful.”
I
don’t know what any of you have been through but I’m a broken man who has
endured a lot of emotional trauma. But I know this God is faithful and I
chose to live my days seeking after him. I hope you do the same.
This is a blog about giving people hope and drawing closer to God.
Lamentations
3:21-23
“Yet
this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love
we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every
morning; great is your faithfulness.”
God is faithful by Sheila Walsh
Steadfast love of the Lord by Kathy Troccoli
We are waiting by Geoff Moore and the Distance
