We Wait

 

We wait. 

 

Since October of last year my life has been upside down and out of whack.  I have prayed repeatedly and so often for a sense of purpose and hope.  I still have days I struggle and pray for God to answer that.  I live just day by day trying my best to just be the best I can be.  I have struggled with a fear of failure and feeling like God has forsaken me.  I know he hasn’t, but I get hammered with those thoughts because Satan tries to tell me God couldn’t love me because a single human woman can’t even love me.  I don’t think any of you understand the rejection you experience when a spouse just chooses not to love you and leaves.  I was married for 10 years and for maybe 6 of them I was loved and then I wasn’t.  I got told by her that she wasn’t going to hug me or kiss me or tell me she loved me because she didn’t want to hurt me when she left.  No matter what I said, tried or did would change the way I was treated.  At one point I was even kicked out of my own bedroom till I said no.  I had no idea the emotional abuse I was dealing with.  I loved her with every fiber of my being and tried so hard to keep my marriage together because all I wanted was to be loved.    I was in a loveless marriage.  I tried on a daily basis to be husband of the year, and nothing was ever good enough.  I forgive her and she made her choices I wasn’t one of them and at some point, we drifted apart.  I will be the first to admit there were many times as a husband I failed as well.  I’m just as flawed as the next person.  

  More and more I try to fill my heart and mind with God’s Word.  I try to draw closer to God.  He is hope and I need that.  I have always tried with this blog to give people hope because I know what it’s like to feel like you have none.  I’ve been having to learn who I am as a single person.  I’m a mess of a person in need of God.  I live in the book of Psalms because I can relate to the sheer array of emotions that King David and the other Psalmists go through.   I try to read a chapter a night.   Sometimes though you get to specific verses that capture your attention.  Two weeks ago, I got to go to church and you can verify this with my dog because I said it out loud.  I was nervous about going and meeting new people.  I had my hand on the door to the house and I was trying to make myself leave.  Out loud I said.  “I’m so nervous about how people are going to treat me.  It’s not about me it’s about God!”  I had the wrong perspective about church.  I’m not instantly going to have a sense of purpose and hope.  I have to keep praying for that and trusting God. When all of this painful journey of me being alone began last year, I used to sit at home staring at nothing because I didn’t know what to do I was so devastated.  Thankfully I’m not in that state anymore.  I function as a responsible person.  I have good and bad days, but I make myself get out and do things.  But in the meantime, of looking for that purpose and hope in my life I draw strength in some of the verses in the Psalms.

 

Psalm 33:20-22

 

“We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”  

 

Psalm 31:24

 

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”  

 

This is one of those songs I come back to a lot when hurting.  It’s called God is faithful by Sheila Walsh.

 

“Are you weary?

Are you frightened?

When you go to bed do you leave the light on?

When the cold wind blows

To disturb your peace 

Do you lock the door? 

So no one else can see

 

Broken promises 

Have left their mark on you

In your unbelief

One thing you must hold on to

 

When the road becomes to rough

When you’re ready to give up

When you’re crying out for love

God is faithful. 

When your peace cannot be found

He will never let you down. 

You have chosen solid ground. 

God is faithful.”  

 

I don’t know what any of you have been through but I’m a broken man who has endured a lot of emotional trauma.  But I know this God is faithful and I chose to live my days seeking after him.  I hope you do the same.  This is a blog about giving people hope and drawing closer to God.  

 

Lamentations 3:21-23

 

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  

 

 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh 

Steadfast love of the Lord by Kathy Troccoli 

Anyway by Martina McBride 

We are waiting by Geoff Moore and the Distance 

 

Flipping the script

 

Flipping the script

 

Before I start this blog, I have something to say.  I realize in the past the blog had an emphasis on Hope found in God’s Word.  It still does!  For those that may not exactly see it anymore I’m still sharing what I’m learning with you and since being divorced I’m on a road to recovery in my own way but I’m still seeking after God.  A friend of mine encouraged me Wednesday, that I need to keep doing this.  He even gave me back my own words that “if just one person draws closer to God because of something I’ve shared then I have accomplished what I set out to do “.  I might be a little more withdrawn and take longer breaks between blogs and I apologize I don’t always have something to say.  My friend encouraged me though because I may feel like God is done with me at times but he’s not.  I got told a few weeks ago to possibly “recover in private.”  That’s not me.  I’m called to encourage.  If God can use my hurt in some way, then let it be used to help someone else draw closer to Him with His Word because the Bible is more important than anything I can say, and it is where all of us need to turn.  It’s simply my job to share it.  

 

Now onto a blog called flipping the script.  

I’ve been working through this plan on the Youversion app and I got reminded of something because it basically took a thought and “Flipped the script” or the perspective as it were.  I’m going to show you 5 verses and then what part of this plan says.  

 

Psalm 22:1-5

 

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  

Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?  

Oh my God, I cry out to you by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.  

 

Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;

You are the praise of Israel.  

In you our father’s put their trust; 

They trusted and you delivered them.  

They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.”

 

Now this is from a reading plan in the Youversion app called In The Lord I Take Refuge.  

 

“The pain of feeling forsaken is not a rarity among the people of God.  As life unfolds before us, as we walk with God, we often battle feelings of wondering where God is.  ‘If God were really with me’ we may ask ‘would this be happening?’  

 

Where is his fatherly care in this loss, in this sickness, in this depression, in this pain?  

 

These feelings and thoughts do not take God by surprise.  He has given us many texts in scripture to care for us in these times of darkness.  Psalm 22 is one of these.  ‘My God, my God why have you forsaken me.’ We cry out.  Perhaps the pain is too real to even tell another person about it.  We are suffering alone, the pain of solitude amplifying the agony.”  

 

Before we finish this thought in the devotional, I can tell you from experience that I’ve been at that point where the pain feels too real to tell another person but I’m here doing this blog thing trying to help another person who may be struggling and that is why I can’t be completely private about this I must share that there still is good news.  To paraphrase a gold miner in reference to the Bible “There’s gold in them thar hills.”  

 

Back to the reading plan….

 

“Notice that David assumes that God has forsaken him.  He does not ask God if he has forsaken him.  He asks why, assuming God already has.  Yet in light of the promises made to David in scripture David ought to have known that God would never have finally forsaken him.”  

 

That’s where the script got flipped for me when reading this because like David there've been times when I’ve assumed God had forsaken me.  I’ve felt abandoned but I have enough promises in the Bible to make me keep returning.  I’m simply a flawed man trying to share what God shows me in hope that it will help you.  I’m going to end this with a verse we all need to remember.  I’ve had enough people encouraging me to do this writing thing again that it got my attention.  There was a nagging part of me that kept saying “you’re divorced God can’t use you anymore.”  That’s a lie!  Do you know why I know God can still use me?  

 

Philippians 1:6

 

“Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  

 

 

Hope now by Addison Road 

He who began by Steve Green

About sums it up

 

About sums it up

 

Sometimes you really can’t put into words how you feel and the emotions you go through.  I have good and bad days like most people.  There’s a phrase in one of these verses I’m going to share that sums it up for me.  I have a lot of horrible thoughts that I have dealt with since being divorced.  The words “damaged goods” and “unworthy of love” are things my mind deals with a lot.  I’m at the point I can compliment a woman, but conversation wise I can’t get much further.  I don’t feel like they even know I exist much less have the ability to find anything attractive in me.  It’s a struggle.  I fumble over my own words so much.    I’ve read this Psalm about 6 plus times now and keep reading it over and over again.  It’s simply 6 verses but King David somehow put into words the things I deal with often.  I don’t have a human enemy but my own thoughts that I deal with often.  July 28th if my ex-wife had not left me we would have been married for 11 years.  It was supposed to last, and I thought it would.  I’ve struggled a lot emotionally.  Most don’t see my struggle because I go to work and function as a somewhat normal person even though “normal is only a setting on the dryer”.  I was on an antidepressant for a time but the mind-numbing headaches that were side effects made it even harder to function.  I pray a lot and try to trust God.  My dog helps a lot and so does my family and a few friends.  The days around what would have been my anniversary I told my friend Patrick how I was feeling and my mom that was it.  If Patrick and I had not gone to comic con together I probably would have spent a lot of time doing stupid thinking at home or at work.  Trust me, the day before I was mindlessly playing video games just trying to have something else to think about.  

 

But I read Psalm 13 and It sums up a lot of how I feel.  Just day by day thoughts and trying to deal with them. I will admit there are days I feel like when I pray it never goes above the ceiling.  But I’ve followed God long enough to know that’s not true.  These are just raw and honest emotions that I go through.  Let me show you what King David has to say because he put my life into words better than I can.  He was even physically hunted by people out to kill him.  I just deal with emotional stuff.  

 

Psalm 13

 

“How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  

How long will my enemy triumph over me?  

 

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  

Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say ‘I have overcome him,’. And my foes will rejoice when I fall.  

 

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”  

 

There’s another passage I want to share that I keep reading a lot as well and oddly enough I shared this on Facebook and one of my friends copied the verses and shared them on her own page, so God had more than one person sharing his word on that day.  

 

Psalm 5:1-3

 

“Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.  

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.  

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”  

 

See in those verses is a reminder that God does hear us even when it feels like our prayers never get past the ceiling.  If you’ve been through depression for any reason, it can be one of the hardest struggles ever.  Push through it and seek God.  

 

 

Life to me by Zoegirl 

Hurricane by Natalie Grant 

You need it Too.

 You need it too

This past Sunday morning I got off work and went to a restaurant within walking distance of my house and I complimented this young woman who worked there because I think she’s very beautiful.  Her face lit up so much she was nearly glowing.  We as humans need compliments.  More importantly we need reminders of God’s love and his promises.  I pretty much emotionally live in the book of Psalms because I can relate to the ups and downs King David, Asaph and the other psalmist’s go through.  One day you’re doing good and others maybe not so much.  We need to remember who God is and where he is.  As I look at the night sky at work and the rising sun in the morning I often pray this prayer.  “Lord you hold all this together I believe you can heal my heart.”  It gets my focus off of me and back on Him where it needs to be.  I have a list of music on Spotify that I listen to when I walk at work and one of those songs on there is Exalt the Name by Sandi Patty and you need to hear these lyrics like I did.  

“He rules the universe 

Yet hears the humble cry

The power of His word 

Can split the earth and sky

Yet mend the lives that sin has torn apart 

The love of the Lord never ends

Sing his praise once again.”

It just went so well with some of the verses I have been reading lately out of the Psalms so give me a moment to show you some of them because you need them too.  This first one hit home because I work overnight.  

Psalm 143:8

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

Psalm 145:8

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.  

Same chapter different verses

14

“The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.”  

18-19

“The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.”  

Psalm 147:3

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”  

My passion to encourage people still remains.  I may not always have the right words every week but I will still try.  

10,000 Reasons by Sandi Patty 

Exalt the name by Sandi Patty 

The Passion Remains

 

The passion remains, 

 

I’ve been through a lot and I’m trying to recover and be a better person than I was the day before.  I often pray for Hope and a purpose in my life because I don’t really see it like I used to.  I still have a passion to encourage others and I still seek after God.  I want to blog again, but I have less to say than I used to.  I’m finding comfort in passages of scripture that I’ve read many times before but I’m at a place emotionally that I need them more.  

 

Psalm 136:1-3

 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords.

His love endures forever.”

 

To some of you we’ve read that a thousand times and heard it turned into a song by Michael W Smith but let me tell you why it means more to me lately.  When you’ve suffered the rejection of a spouse and that love has been taken from you, you cry out to God more and you need him to remind you that his love endures forever.  I remind myself at times that Judas betrayed Jesus.  His closest friend.  There was a purpose in that and it led to the cross.  He’s experienced worse than I ever will.  I’m not claiming to be like Jesus I’m too much of a failure on my own.  But somehow, he has me breathing and seeking him.  I don’t understand it all.  That’s why I find myself overwhelmed by this next verse.  

 

Psalm 138:8

 

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever. — do not abandon the works of your hands.”

 

I don’t know what His purpose for me is.  But he’s given me a passion to help.  Recently I bought this pillowcase on Amazon, and it has a quote on it from Ahsoka Tano a character on Star Wars the Clone Wars that says this, and it sums me up perfectly.  

 

“In my life when you find people who need your help you help them no matter what.”  

 

If it’s writing a blog and trying to help someone or going to work and helping a new hire or a coworker, I try to help as much as I can.  It’s not a grand purpose but I try to help people.  This past Wednesday I went to see my family and my sister, and I were hanging out doing stuff together which honestly we hadn’t done in years and my dad said something.  “What are y’all doing?  You seem to just be spending time like brother and sister and it makes my heart proud.”  You know when you can make your dad happy and you and your sister are just helping each other it tends to make you smile.  Seek God and help others as much as you can.  

 

Road to Calvary by John Schlitt 

He who began by Steve Green 

Heart to God, Hand to man by Geoff Moore and the Distance and Ashley Cleveland 

The one who taunts

 

The one who taunts.

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is the loss and rejection when a spouse has left you and divorces you.  I had a friend say I was a subject matter expert in this, and how to react but I still don’t feel recovered enough.    One day I hope to be able to encourage someone else who has to go through this.  I’m not sure I’m quite mentally and emotionally well enough to do that but I found comfort in these two verses this weekend.  Another One of the hardest things I deal with is hearing my ex-wife in my head taunting me with fights we had in the past of things I would do wrong in her eyes.  It was a taunting voice that no matter how hard I tried to be husband of the year every day I was doomed to fail.   It’s been exactly 7 months and it’s still there.  I’ve actually and you can verify this with my dog spoken her name out loud and said, “shut up you no longer live here.”  When asked about why I blog less than I used to my mom said it best.  “He doesn’t have a lot to say because she took it out of him.”  When you’ve been loved and somewhere along the years it simply disappeared it’s very hard to believe in God’s unfailing love.  That’s why I so needed these verses to remind me.  

 

Psalm 119:41-42. 

 

“May your unfailing love come to me O Lord, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me for I trust in your Word.”

 

I need reminders often that God still loves me.  My dog Arisia crawling in my lap for a hug is a good reminder.  

 

Another passage I keep reading over and over to remind myself that God is still listening is this.  

 

Psalm 116:1-6

 

“I love the Lord for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.  

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.  

The chords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  

Then I called on the name of the Lord: O Lord, save me.  

The Lord is gracious and righteous.

The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.”  

 

I continue each day asking God to heal my heart because there’s a lot of hurt there.  Out of 10 years of marriage there were maybe 4 good years and a few that were not filled with love.  I loved with every fiber of my being, but it was not always returned.  I can’t say I did everything right because I know in a lot of ways, I was a failure.  I still need God to change me into the man I need to be because I struggle daily.  That’s also why I need to be reminded he loves me and hears me.  Maybe you need the same reminder.  One day I might blog more often.  I post less and less on Facebook and on my stories and blog because I’m often at a loss for what to say.  I’m just fumbling along and sharing my heart with this in hopes it helps someone else.  Maybe you’ve been hurt like me, and you’re taunted as well and need to seek God and remember who He is.  

 

Part the waters by Selah 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh  

Seek

 Seek

We’re all seeking something.  Purpose I’m looking for some purpose.  I used to be married and my days had meaning when taking care of my wife. Now I simply have a dog.  I’m trying to be the best dog dad I can be.  I’m seeking to be the best me I can be.  Something in my life has to matter.  I had a tooth extraction this past Tuesday and I have been praying so much asking for the pain in my mouth to end.  Since my divorce I pray often for God to heal my heart.  I had a moment a few nights ago where the devil put a thought in my head that was so blatantly a lie I saw through it and it made me righteously angry.  It was a thought of “why are your bothering to seek God when he didn’t keep your marriage together?”  The thought was so wrong I knew nothing about it was right.  God is the only place I have left to turn because my world and mind and heart is such an absolute mess.  When your spouse leaves you and has talked about doing so for years there’s not a lot you can do.   In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us to Ask, Seek and Knock.  

Matthew 6:33-34

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

So I continue seeking and asking and knocking looking for the day when God shows me a clearer path.  Until then I keep trying to live day by day and moment by moment.  I go to work.  I do my best because it’s all I can do.

Seek first by Susan Ashton