We Wait

 

We wait. 

 

Since October of last year my life has been upside down and out of whack.  I have prayed repeatedly and so often for a sense of purpose and hope.  I still have days I struggle and pray for God to answer that.  I live just day by day trying my best to just be the best I can be.  I have struggled with a fear of failure and feeling like God has forsaken me.  I know he hasn’t, but I get hammered with those thoughts because Satan tries to tell me God couldn’t love me because a single human woman can’t even love me.  I don’t think any of you understand the rejection you experience when a spouse just chooses not to love you and leaves.  I was married for 10 years and for maybe 6 of them I was loved and then I wasn’t.  I got told by her that she wasn’t going to hug me or kiss me or tell me she loved me because she didn’t want to hurt me when she left.  No matter what I said, tried or did would change the way I was treated.  At one point I was even kicked out of my own bedroom till I said no.  I had no idea the emotional abuse I was dealing with.  I loved her with every fiber of my being and tried so hard to keep my marriage together because all I wanted was to be loved.    I was in a loveless marriage.  I tried on a daily basis to be husband of the year, and nothing was ever good enough.  I forgive her and she made her choices I wasn’t one of them and at some point, we drifted apart.  I will be the first to admit there were many times as a husband I failed as well.  I’m just as flawed as the next person.  

  More and more I try to fill my heart and mind with God’s Word.  I try to draw closer to God.  He is hope and I need that.  I have always tried with this blog to give people hope because I know what it’s like to feel like you have none.  I’ve been having to learn who I am as a single person.  I’m a mess of a person in need of God.  I live in the book of Psalms because I can relate to the sheer array of emotions that King David and the other Psalmists go through.   I try to read a chapter a night.   Sometimes though you get to specific verses that capture your attention.  Two weeks ago, I got to go to church and you can verify this with my dog because I said it out loud.  I was nervous about going and meeting new people.  I had my hand on the door to the house and I was trying to make myself leave.  Out loud I said.  “I’m so nervous about how people are going to treat me.  It’s not about me it’s about God!”  I had the wrong perspective about church.  I’m not instantly going to have a sense of purpose and hope.  I have to keep praying for that and trusting God. When all of this painful journey of me being alone began last year, I used to sit at home staring at nothing because I didn’t know what to do I was so devastated.  Thankfully I’m not in that state anymore.  I function as a responsible person.  I have good and bad days, but I make myself get out and do things.  But in the meantime, of looking for that purpose and hope in my life I draw strength in some of the verses in the Psalms.

 

Psalm 33:20-22

 

“We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.  In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.  May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”  

 

Psalm 31:24

 

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”  

 

This is one of those songs I come back to a lot when hurting.  It’s called God is faithful by Sheila Walsh.

 

“Are you weary?

Are you frightened?

When you go to bed do you leave the light on?

When the cold wind blows

To disturb your peace 

Do you lock the door? 

So no one else can see

 

Broken promises 

Have left their mark on you

In your unbelief

One thing you must hold on to

 

When the road becomes to rough

When you’re ready to give up

When you’re crying out for love

God is faithful. 

When your peace cannot be found

He will never let you down. 

You have chosen solid ground. 

God is faithful.”  

 

I don’t know what any of you have been through but I’m a broken man who has endured a lot of emotional trauma.  But I know this God is faithful and I chose to live my days seeking after him.  I hope you do the same.  This is a blog about giving people hope and drawing closer to God.  

 

Lamentations 3:21-23

 

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”  

 

 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh 

Steadfast love of the Lord by Kathy Troccoli 

Anyway by Martina McBride 

We are waiting by Geoff Moore and the Distance