About sums it up

 

About sums it up

 

Sometimes you really can’t put into words how you feel and the emotions you go through.  I have good and bad days like most people.  There’s a phrase in one of these verses I’m going to share that sums it up for me.  I have a lot of horrible thoughts that I have dealt with since being divorced.  The words “damaged goods” and “unworthy of love” are things my mind deals with a lot.  I’m at the point I can compliment a woman, but conversation wise I can’t get much further.  I don’t feel like they even know I exist much less have the ability to find anything attractive in me.  It’s a struggle.  I fumble over my own words so much.    I’ve read this Psalm about 6 plus times now and keep reading it over and over again.  It’s simply 6 verses but King David somehow put into words the things I deal with often.  I don’t have a human enemy but my own thoughts that I deal with often.  July 28th if my ex-wife had not left me we would have been married for 11 years.  It was supposed to last, and I thought it would.  I’ve struggled a lot emotionally.  Most don’t see my struggle because I go to work and function as a somewhat normal person even though “normal is only a setting on the dryer”.  I was on an antidepressant for a time but the mind-numbing headaches that were side effects made it even harder to function.  I pray a lot and try to trust God.  My dog helps a lot and so does my family and a few friends.  The days around what would have been my anniversary I told my friend Patrick how I was feeling and my mom that was it.  If Patrick and I had not gone to comic con together I probably would have spent a lot of time doing stupid thinking at home or at work.  Trust me, the day before I was mindlessly playing video games just trying to have something else to think about.  

 

But I read Psalm 13 and It sums up a lot of how I feel.  Just day by day thoughts and trying to deal with them. I will admit there are days I feel like when I pray it never goes above the ceiling.  But I’ve followed God long enough to know that’s not true.  These are just raw and honest emotions that I go through.  Let me show you what King David has to say because he put my life into words better than I can.  He was even physically hunted by people out to kill him.  I just deal with emotional stuff.  

 

Psalm 13

 

“How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  

How long will my enemy triumph over me?  

 

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  

Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say ‘I have overcome him,’. And my foes will rejoice when I fall.  

 

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”  

 

There’s another passage I want to share that I keep reading a lot as well and oddly enough I shared this on Facebook and one of my friends copied the verses and shared them on her own page, so God had more than one person sharing his word on that day.  

 

Psalm 5:1-3

 

“Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.  

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.  

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.”  

 

See in those verses is a reminder that God does hear us even when it feels like our prayers never get past the ceiling.  If you’ve been through depression for any reason, it can be one of the hardest struggles ever.  Push through it and seek God.  

 

 

Life to me by Zoegirl 

Hurricane by Natalie Grant 

You need it Too.

 You need it too

This past Sunday morning I got off work and went to a restaurant within walking distance of my house and I complimented this young woman who worked there because I think she’s very beautiful.  Her face lit up so much she was nearly glowing.  We as humans need compliments.  More importantly we need reminders of God’s love and his promises.  I pretty much emotionally live in the book of Psalms because I can relate to the ups and downs King David, Asaph and the other psalmist’s go through.  One day you’re doing good and others maybe not so much.  We need to remember who God is and where he is.  As I look at the night sky at work and the rising sun in the morning I often pray this prayer.  “Lord you hold all this together I believe you can heal my heart.”  It gets my focus off of me and back on Him where it needs to be.  I have a list of music on Spotify that I listen to when I walk at work and one of those songs on there is Exalt the Name by Sandi Patty and you need to hear these lyrics like I did.  

“He rules the universe 

Yet hears the humble cry

The power of His word 

Can split the earth and sky

Yet mend the lives that sin has torn apart 

The love of the Lord never ends

Sing his praise once again.”

It just went so well with some of the verses I have been reading lately out of the Psalms so give me a moment to show you some of them because you need them too.  This first one hit home because I work overnight.  

Psalm 143:8

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

Psalm 145:8

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.  

Same chapter different verses

14

“The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.”  

18-19

“The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.  He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.”  

Psalm 147:3

“He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”  

My passion to encourage people still remains.  I may not always have the right words every week but I will still try.  

10,000 Reasons by Sandi Patty 

Exalt the name by Sandi Patty 

The Passion Remains

 

The passion remains, 

 

I’ve been through a lot and I’m trying to recover and be a better person than I was the day before.  I often pray for Hope and a purpose in my life because I don’t really see it like I used to.  I still have a passion to encourage others and I still seek after God.  I want to blog again, but I have less to say than I used to.  I’m finding comfort in passages of scripture that I’ve read many times before but I’m at a place emotionally that I need them more.  

 

Psalm 136:1-3

 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords.

His love endures forever.”

 

To some of you we’ve read that a thousand times and heard it turned into a song by Michael W Smith but let me tell you why it means more to me lately.  When you’ve suffered the rejection of a spouse and that love has been taken from you, you cry out to God more and you need him to remind you that his love endures forever.  I remind myself at times that Judas betrayed Jesus.  His closest friend.  There was a purpose in that and it led to the cross.  He’s experienced worse than I ever will.  I’m not claiming to be like Jesus I’m too much of a failure on my own.  But somehow, he has me breathing and seeking him.  I don’t understand it all.  That’s why I find myself overwhelmed by this next verse.  

 

Psalm 138:8

 

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever. — do not abandon the works of your hands.”

 

I don’t know what His purpose for me is.  But he’s given me a passion to help.  Recently I bought this pillowcase on Amazon, and it has a quote on it from Ahsoka Tano a character on Star Wars the Clone Wars that says this, and it sums me up perfectly.  

 

“In my life when you find people who need your help you help them no matter what.”  

 

If it’s writing a blog and trying to help someone or going to work and helping a new hire or a coworker, I try to help as much as I can.  It’s not a grand purpose but I try to help people.  This past Wednesday I went to see my family and my sister, and I were hanging out doing stuff together which honestly we hadn’t done in years and my dad said something.  “What are y’all doing?  You seem to just be spending time like brother and sister and it makes my heart proud.”  You know when you can make your dad happy and you and your sister are just helping each other it tends to make you smile.  Seek God and help others as much as you can.  

 

Road to Calvary by John Schlitt 

He who began by Steve Green 

Heart to God, Hand to man by Geoff Moore and the Distance and Ashley Cleveland 

The one who taunts

 

The one who taunts.

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is the loss and rejection when a spouse has left you and divorces you.  I had a friend say I was a subject matter expert in this, and how to react but I still don’t feel recovered enough.    One day I hope to be able to encourage someone else who has to go through this.  I’m not sure I’m quite mentally and emotionally well enough to do that but I found comfort in these two verses this weekend.  Another One of the hardest things I deal with is hearing my ex-wife in my head taunting me with fights we had in the past of things I would do wrong in her eyes.  It was a taunting voice that no matter how hard I tried to be husband of the year every day I was doomed to fail.   It’s been exactly 7 months and it’s still there.  I’ve actually and you can verify this with my dog spoken her name out loud and said, “shut up you no longer live here.”  When asked about why I blog less than I used to my mom said it best.  “He doesn’t have a lot to say because she took it out of him.”  When you’ve been loved and somewhere along the years it simply disappeared it’s very hard to believe in God’s unfailing love.  That’s why I so needed these verses to remind me.  

 

Psalm 119:41-42. 

 

“May your unfailing love come to me O Lord, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me for I trust in your Word.”

 

I need reminders often that God still loves me.  My dog Arisia crawling in my lap for a hug is a good reminder.  

 

Another passage I keep reading over and over to remind myself that God is still listening is this.  

 

Psalm 116:1-6

 

“I love the Lord for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.  

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.  

The chords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  

Then I called on the name of the Lord: O Lord, save me.  

The Lord is gracious and righteous.

The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.”  

 

I continue each day asking God to heal my heart because there’s a lot of hurt there.  Out of 10 years of marriage there were maybe 4 good years and a few that were not filled with love.  I loved with every fiber of my being, but it was not always returned.  I can’t say I did everything right because I know in a lot of ways, I was a failure.  I still need God to change me into the man I need to be because I struggle daily.  That’s also why I need to be reminded he loves me and hears me.  Maybe you need the same reminder.  One day I might blog more often.  I post less and less on Facebook and on my stories and blog because I’m often at a loss for what to say.  I’m just fumbling along and sharing my heart with this in hopes it helps someone else.  Maybe you’ve been hurt like me, and you’re taunted as well and need to seek God and remember who He is.  

 

Part the waters by Selah 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh  

Seek

 Seek

We’re all seeking something.  Purpose I’m looking for some purpose.  I used to be married and my days had meaning when taking care of my wife. Now I simply have a dog.  I’m trying to be the best dog dad I can be.  I’m seeking to be the best me I can be.  Something in my life has to matter.  I had a tooth extraction this past Tuesday and I have been praying so much asking for the pain in my mouth to end.  Since my divorce I pray often for God to heal my heart.  I had a moment a few nights ago where the devil put a thought in my head that was so blatantly a lie I saw through it and it made me righteously angry.  It was a thought of “why are your bothering to seek God when he didn’t keep your marriage together?”  The thought was so wrong I knew nothing about it was right.  God is the only place I have left to turn because my world and mind and heart is such an absolute mess.  When your spouse leaves you and has talked about doing so for years there’s not a lot you can do.   In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us to Ask, Seek and Knock.  

Matthew 6:33-34

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

So I continue seeking and asking and knocking looking for the day when God shows me a clearer path.  Until then I keep trying to live day by day and moment by moment.  I go to work.  I do my best because it’s all I can do.

Seek first by Susan Ashton  

Do Better.

 

Do better. 

 

This is something I posted on Facebook recently and I think it needs to be a blog.

 

The Christian community needs to do better in this area of thought.  I work nights and on Saturday and Sunday it’s two 7pm-7am shifts.  The nights before and after are 11pm-7am.  It’s not that I don’t want to attend church, but this is my work schedule that barely pays the bills.  I’m trying to provide for me and my dog and this is what my job set up.  I’ve had friends even tell me to take days off to be around them.  Ok but are you going to pay my bills.  I still watch First Baptist Church, Corpus Christi, and Real Life online.  There are people who start listing all their service times trying to think I’m out in the daytime.  I sleep during the day because I work nights.  I even get looks of disdain for saying I watch services online.  Seriously as a Bible study blog writer I find it sad that we aren’t encouraging people to watch services online when they can’t be there in person.  My blog in times past was used by people who were Sick and couldn’t get to church.  There is a reason for doing services online even after the Covid crap.  How are we to spread God’s word to the uttermost part of the earth when church members seem afraid of using technology?  We are commanded by Christ Jesus himself to share his word.  

 

Matthew 28:19-20

 

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely, I am with you always to the very end of the age.”

 

 

 

Friday night of this past week I was watching Real Life’s online service before work and Pastor Micah was talking about how God created us to do certain things and how in the past he wanted to quit.  I’ve been there so often with this blog thing.  Never more so have I wanted to quit since everything that happened with my marriage. I keep asking how I can go on sharing God’s Word and trying to give others hope when I’ve lost my hope and direction in life.  I’ve mentioned I keep praying for a sense of direction.  Lately I’ve seen medical things about myself that aren’t good, and I’m trying to eat and live better.  This may be the direction I’ve been praying for.  Just a small step.  But God keeps sending people who have mentioned how much they have appreciated my blog.  Like I’ve told my friend David many times.  It’s not my blog it belongs to God.  I show up and share what He lays on my heart and I’m the feeble human in the equation.  Never in my life have I doubted what I’m supposed to be doing as I have since being divorced.  I don’t know where to go or what to do from here.  But Micah’s own story about wanting to quit hit me in a way that has had me thinking.  Sharing God’s Word through online technology is something that needs to take place.  Just like I need online services well someone else needs the blog.  God made a promise about his Word being shared that I still cling to.  

 

Isaiah 55:8-11

 

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, ‘declares the Lord.  ‘as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the Sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes forth from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.’”

 

What most of you don’t know is before I hit go live when I do this blog as a video is I pray, and I ask God to use the things shared in it to draw people closer to himself and give them hope.  You get the things God shows me and I share it with you because God wants me to encourage people.  I use technology to do so.  This is another reason why the church should encourage online things because they don’t know who they’re reaching or when.  I desire one day for another person to carry on this online Bible study blog thing I’ve been doing.  

I have always tried to keep this blog as simple as can be because you can either read it or watch it as a video.  I even provide links to the music that goes with it.  My goal is simple.  If one person draws closer to God, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.  It’s not rocket science, it really isn’t.  I’m not trying to be famous or do something crazy I’m just trying to share God’s Word with someone else in the hope that it changes them.  If you ever come to this blog to see Zac, then I failed because I’m just trying to point people back to the cross of Christ because if I point you anywhere else I have failed.  I try to do what my dad’s mentor taught him.  “Keep the cookies on the bottom shelf.”  Keep things simple to where any one can understand.  Maybe one day God will call you to blog and encourage others.  If you have a phone and a tripod and most importantly a Bible, it can be done.  

 

 

 

 

If you want me to by Ginny Owens

Face the nation by 4 Him 

God so loved by Jaci Velasquez 

Let my cry

 

Let my cry 

 

Some days we need to remember to pour out our hearts to God.  On Tuesday Nights I have a tendency to spill my soup from Taco Palenque when I try to pour it into a bigger bowl.  When we pour out the mess of our hearts and lives to God it doesn’t spill or make a mess because He can handle the messes we can’t.  We forget that too easily and try to deal with it on our own.  

 

 

Psalm 102:1-2

 

“Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you.  

Do not hide your face from me

When I am in distress.

Turn your ear to me;

When I call, answer me quickly.”

 

 

At the beginning of this Psalm in my Bible it says “A prayer of an afflicted man.  When he is faint and pours out his lament before the Lord.”  

 

It’s a short blog but again there’s no guide for doing an online Bible study blog.  Maybe like me though you need a reminder to pour out your heart to God. 

 

Lord I’m ready now by Plumb

 

God Help me by Plumb