The Passion Remains

 

The passion remains, 

 

I’ve been through a lot and I’m trying to recover and be a better person than I was the day before.  I often pray for Hope and a purpose in my life because I don’t really see it like I used to.  I still have a passion to encourage others and I still seek after God.  I want to blog again, but I have less to say than I used to.  I’m finding comfort in passages of scripture that I’ve read many times before but I’m at a place emotionally that I need them more.  

 

Psalm 136:1-3

 

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods. 

His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords.

His love endures forever.”

 

To some of you we’ve read that a thousand times and heard it turned into a song by Michael W Smith but let me tell you why it means more to me lately.  When you’ve suffered the rejection of a spouse and that love has been taken from you, you cry out to God more and you need him to remind you that his love endures forever.  I remind myself at times that Judas betrayed Jesus.  His closest friend.  There was a purpose in that and it led to the cross.  He’s experienced worse than I ever will.  I’m not claiming to be like Jesus I’m too much of a failure on my own.  But somehow, he has me breathing and seeking him.  I don’t understand it all.  That’s why I find myself overwhelmed by this next verse.  

 

Psalm 138:8

 

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever. — do not abandon the works of your hands.”

 

I don’t know what His purpose for me is.  But he’s given me a passion to help.  Recently I bought this pillowcase on Amazon, and it has a quote on it from Ahsoka Tano a character on Star Wars the Clone Wars that says this, and it sums me up perfectly.  

 

“In my life when you find people who need your help you help them no matter what.”  

 

If it’s writing a blog and trying to help someone or going to work and helping a new hire or a coworker, I try to help as much as I can.  It’s not a grand purpose but I try to help people.  This past Wednesday I went to see my family and my sister, and I were hanging out doing stuff together which honestly we hadn’t done in years and my dad said something.  “What are y’all doing?  You seem to just be spending time like brother and sister and it makes my heart proud.”  You know when you can make your dad happy and you and your sister are just helping each other it tends to make you smile.  Seek God and help others as much as you can.  

 

Road to Calvary by John Schlitt 

He who began by Steve Green 

Heart to God, Hand to man by Geoff Moore and the Distance and Ashley Cleveland 

The one who taunts

 

The one who taunts.

 

One of the hardest things to deal with is the loss and rejection when a spouse has left you and divorces you.  I had a friend say I was a subject matter expert in this, and how to react but I still don’t feel recovered enough.    One day I hope to be able to encourage someone else who has to go through this.  I’m not sure I’m quite mentally and emotionally well enough to do that but I found comfort in these two verses this weekend.  Another One of the hardest things I deal with is hearing my ex-wife in my head taunting me with fights we had in the past of things I would do wrong in her eyes.  It was a taunting voice that no matter how hard I tried to be husband of the year every day I was doomed to fail.   It’s been exactly 7 months and it’s still there.  I’ve actually and you can verify this with my dog spoken her name out loud and said, “shut up you no longer live here.”  When asked about why I blog less than I used to my mom said it best.  “He doesn’t have a lot to say because she took it out of him.”  When you’ve been loved and somewhere along the years it simply disappeared it’s very hard to believe in God’s unfailing love.  That’s why I so needed these verses to remind me.  

 

Psalm 119:41-42. 

 

“May your unfailing love come to me O Lord, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me for I trust in your Word.”

 

I need reminders often that God still loves me.  My dog Arisia crawling in my lap for a hug is a good reminder.  

 

Another passage I keep reading over and over to remind myself that God is still listening is this.  

 

Psalm 116:1-6

 

“I love the Lord for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.  

Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.  

The chords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.  

Then I called on the name of the Lord: O Lord, save me.  

The Lord is gracious and righteous.

The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need he saved me.”  

 

I continue each day asking God to heal my heart because there’s a lot of hurt there.  Out of 10 years of marriage there were maybe 4 good years and a few that were not filled with love.  I loved with every fiber of my being, but it was not always returned.  I can’t say I did everything right because I know in a lot of ways, I was a failure.  I still need God to change me into the man I need to be because I struggle daily.  That’s also why I need to be reminded he loves me and hears me.  Maybe you need the same reminder.  One day I might blog more often.  I post less and less on Facebook and on my stories and blog because I’m often at a loss for what to say.  I’m just fumbling along and sharing my heart with this in hopes it helps someone else.  Maybe you’ve been hurt like me, and you’re taunted as well and need to seek God and remember who He is.  

 

Part the waters by Selah 

God is faithful by Sheila Walsh  

Seek

 Seek

We’re all seeking something.  Purpose I’m looking for some purpose.  I used to be married and my days had meaning when taking care of my wife. Now I simply have a dog.  I’m trying to be the best dog dad I can be.  I’m seeking to be the best me I can be.  Something in my life has to matter.  I had a tooth extraction this past Tuesday and I have been praying so much asking for the pain in my mouth to end.  Since my divorce I pray often for God to heal my heart.  I had a moment a few nights ago where the devil put a thought in my head that was so blatantly a lie I saw through it and it made me righteously angry.  It was a thought of “why are your bothering to seek God when he didn’t keep your marriage together?”  The thought was so wrong I knew nothing about it was right.  God is the only place I have left to turn because my world and mind and heart is such an absolute mess.  When your spouse leaves you and has talked about doing so for years there’s not a lot you can do.   In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us to Ask, Seek and Knock.  

Matthew 6:33-34

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”

So I continue seeking and asking and knocking looking for the day when God shows me a clearer path.  Until then I keep trying to live day by day and moment by moment.  I go to work.  I do my best because it’s all I can do.

Seek first by Susan Ashton  

Do Better.

 

Do better. 

 

This is something I posted on Facebook recently and I think it needs to be a blog.

 

The Christian community needs to do better in this area of thought.  I work nights and on Saturday and Sunday it’s two 7pm-7am shifts.  The nights before and after are 11pm-7am.  It’s not that I don’t want to attend church, but this is my work schedule that barely pays the bills.  I’m trying to provide for me and my dog and this is what my job set up.  I’ve had friends even tell me to take days off to be around them.  Ok but are you going to pay my bills.  I still watch First Baptist Church, Corpus Christi, and Real Life online.  There are people who start listing all their service times trying to think I’m out in the daytime.  I sleep during the day because I work nights.  I even get looks of disdain for saying I watch services online.  Seriously as a Bible study blog writer I find it sad that we aren’t encouraging people to watch services online when they can’t be there in person.  My blog in times past was used by people who were Sick and couldn’t get to church.  There is a reason for doing services online even after the Covid crap.  How are we to spread God’s word to the uttermost part of the earth when church members seem afraid of using technology?  We are commanded by Christ Jesus himself to share his word.  

 

Matthew 28:19-20

 

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely, I am with you always to the very end of the age.”

 

 

 

Friday night of this past week I was watching Real Life’s online service before work and Pastor Micah was talking about how God created us to do certain things and how in the past he wanted to quit.  I’ve been there so often with this blog thing.  Never more so have I wanted to quit since everything that happened with my marriage. I keep asking how I can go on sharing God’s Word and trying to give others hope when I’ve lost my hope and direction in life.  I’ve mentioned I keep praying for a sense of direction.  Lately I’ve seen medical things about myself that aren’t good, and I’m trying to eat and live better.  This may be the direction I’ve been praying for.  Just a small step.  But God keeps sending people who have mentioned how much they have appreciated my blog.  Like I’ve told my friend David many times.  It’s not my blog it belongs to God.  I show up and share what He lays on my heart and I’m the feeble human in the equation.  Never in my life have I doubted what I’m supposed to be doing as I have since being divorced.  I don’t know where to go or what to do from here.  But Micah’s own story about wanting to quit hit me in a way that has had me thinking.  Sharing God’s Word through online technology is something that needs to take place.  Just like I need online services well someone else needs the blog.  God made a promise about his Word being shared that I still cling to.  

 

Isaiah 55:8-11

 

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, ‘declares the Lord.  ‘as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the Sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes forth from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.’”

 

What most of you don’t know is before I hit go live when I do this blog as a video is I pray, and I ask God to use the things shared in it to draw people closer to himself and give them hope.  You get the things God shows me and I share it with you because God wants me to encourage people.  I use technology to do so.  This is another reason why the church should encourage online things because they don’t know who they’re reaching or when.  I desire one day for another person to carry on this online Bible study blog thing I’ve been doing.  

I have always tried to keep this blog as simple as can be because you can either read it or watch it as a video.  I even provide links to the music that goes with it.  My goal is simple.  If one person draws closer to God, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.  It’s not rocket science, it really isn’t.  I’m not trying to be famous or do something crazy I’m just trying to share God’s Word with someone else in the hope that it changes them.  If you ever come to this blog to see Zac, then I failed because I’m just trying to point people back to the cross of Christ because if I point you anywhere else I have failed.  I try to do what my dad’s mentor taught him.  “Keep the cookies on the bottom shelf.”  Keep things simple to where any one can understand.  Maybe one day God will call you to blog and encourage others.  If you have a phone and a tripod and most importantly a Bible, it can be done.  

 

 

 

 

If you want me to by Ginny Owens

Face the nation by 4 Him 

God so loved by Jaci Velasquez 

Let my cry

 

Let my cry 

 

Some days we need to remember to pour out our hearts to God.  On Tuesday Nights I have a tendency to spill my soup from Taco Palenque when I try to pour it into a bigger bowl.  When we pour out the mess of our hearts and lives to God it doesn’t spill or make a mess because He can handle the messes we can’t.  We forget that too easily and try to deal with it on our own.  

 

 

Psalm 102:1-2

 

“Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry for help come to you.  

Do not hide your face from me

When I am in distress.

Turn your ear to me;

When I call, answer me quickly.”

 

 

At the beginning of this Psalm in my Bible it says “A prayer of an afflicted man.  When he is faint and pours out his lament before the Lord.”  

 

It’s a short blog but again there’s no guide for doing an online Bible study blog.  Maybe like me though you need a reminder to pour out your heart to God. 

 

Lord I’m ready now by Plumb

 

God Help me by Plumb

What does that look like for you and me right now?

 

What does that look like for you and me right now?

 

Months before my marriage ended, I bought a book by Sheila Walsh called It’s okay not to be okay: moving forward one day at a time.  Yes, that is the exact title.  Some of you have noticed I don’t blog as much and with all I’ve been through I don’t have a lot to say.  This is something most people I talk to who follow God don’t quite understand, you can listen to sermons and Christian music and read your Bible but I still haven’t found the exact message that talks about what to do when your wife leaves you and divorces you but I found part of it in Sheila’s book.  I meet with these guys on Tuesday night and no offense to any of them but just pointing people to the Bible without a specific place makes it a little more difficult to find the answers you need at the time.  I also understand it is hard to point someone to the right place when they may not understand or perceive all the emotional damage the person, they are trying to help might have been through.  I can tell you for me it was a lot.  I didn’t always get it right as a husband but each day I tried to win the husband of the year award.  I don’t try to say bad things about my ex-wife because we both had our flaws.  She made her choices I was no longer one of them.  We hurt each other emotionally, not on purpose and I’m trying to heal, and the answers aren’t always simple.  In fact, they are never simple.  I have good and bad days like anyone will.

 

My friend Aaron told me I needed to be around people and it’s true.  Because friends and family help.  Sometimes me being around people is just Zac going to a restaurant and talking to the wait staff and observing them.  I’m at a point where I must rediscover who I am by myself. There are days that are much harder than others.  I talk a lot to my dog Arisia.  I rescued her from the Humane Society, and she is rescuing me each day.  I met with my friend John a few weeks ago and he humbled me by telling me how God had used me sharing my blog to help him and his wife.  Sometimes I need the right book to read and that’s why I needed to get back to this Shelia Walsh’s book.  I have a friend Carlos who told me that the sense of direction I keep praying for is to simply trust God.  That’s hard because a lot of days I feel numb.  I just exist.  I try to find some connection to anything happening in my life.  On the nights I work I have purpose in the things I do. My nights off though I really don’t.  I’m still up most of the night.  I play video games, watch whatever, eat, sleep, and play with my dog.  I take care of things that need to be done.  It took a lot for me to figure out how to do the most mundane stuff again knowing I was alone.  But even months later I’m still at a loss for what I’m supposed to do on my nights off.  I go to Most Wanted Comics and talk to Bethany and Stephen, they know me and make me laugh and smile.  I miss blogging and I don’t know what to even say to help me or someone else.  Right now, my life is a mess.  I’ve got one working hearing aid I don’t have a solution for that yet.  My marriage is gone, shattered, exploded, whatever but I still have a job, my house, and family and friends praying for me.  I’m learning to be more grateful.  I have a dog that loves me.  I’m breathing so God must not be done with me.  If God can hold the world together, destroy the walls of Jericho, raise Jesus from the dead, well then at some point he can heal the mess that is Zac.  Some days the hardest thing to do is to pray, read my Bible, listen to Christian music because the devil is not going to make it easy on me.  Depression will hit you when you least expect it.  

 

But I read this passage in this book and I can’t keep it to myself. I have to share it with someone else because maybe you have struggles like I do.  

 

This is what Sheila Walsh said in her book and it’s so powerful.

 

“Think about it this way: I’m not living by faith if I have an answer to everything.  If I understand everything God does or doesn’t do, then all I need to do is love him with my mind.  We are called to love him with more.  When an expert in religious law asked Christ what he had to do to inherit eternal life.  Christ asked him what his understanding was from the laws given to Moses.  His response was, 

 

‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength and all your mind and Love your neighbor as yourself’ Luke 10:27

 

Christ told him he’d answered correctly.  Heart, soul, strength, and mind.  What does that look like for you and me right now?  We love with our heart, even when it’s broken.  We love with our soul, even when our humanity wrestles against our situation.  We love with our mind, even when we don’t understand.”  

 

That was in her book.  It floored me when I read it.  Why? Because I’ve been broken, I currently don’t understand and every day I pray for direction, hope and purpose and my humanity is wrestling with all of that.  So, the question returns and in pro wrestling terminology this would be your go home line of the promo or the concept that leaves you asking the same stuff I have been.  “What does that look like for you and me right now?”  I have to love God and trust Him even on the hardest or best days.  

 

Like Martina McBride sang

 

“God is great. 

But sometimes life ain’t good

When I pray 

it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should.

But I do it anyway 

I do it anyway.”

 

 

Anyway by Martina McBride 

When life gets broken by Sandi Patty and Heather Payne

Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me

Acoustic Medley by Point of Grace

 

The Update and Struggle

 

The Update and Struggle 

 

There’s a few who know.  There will be more after this.  I said not too long ago that two major things happened to me in October.  Now I feel I can talk about the big one because it’s over.  I got kicked off a job site for reporting a manager of favoritism.  Allegedly I was seen as “disruptive “the only charge they could come up with for me and one of my coworkers.  Another coworker was fired for suggesting there also may have been sexual activity involved by the manager as well.  It was an ugly day.  I didn’t know the next few days would get worse for me.  That became a blessing because I got away from a horrible job and boss.  While I was in training for a new job my wife left me.  That has been a major source of pain in my life.  This past week I got the finalization of my divorce.  It was no contest.  She divorced me.  We didn’t fight over anything.  If I find stuff of hers I simply give it to her mom.  She is a grown woman who made her own choices.  She even took the dog with her which was fine though because the dog only liked her and tolerated me.  

Currently I have no sense of direction or purpose to my life other than going to work, eating, sleeping and taking care of my dog Arisia.  Arisia has been one of the best things to have happened.  My family helps me a lot.  I have a Bible study group I try to go to on Tuesday nights.  I’ve been through hurt, pain, depression, anger, lots of tears and more.  I’ve been on an off an antidepressant.  I even wrote a fictional story channeling all my hurt into my fictional alter ego the White Shadow.  For 10 years I was married I went through good and bad days.  I loved my wife and I treated her the best I could everyday.  I tried so hard to make my marriage last and prayed so hard for us as a couple every day.   This is my life now.  

 

Each day I try to seek God and draw closer to Him.  I don’t always get it right.  If I don’t seek Him though I would lose my sanity after all I’ve gone through.  I’ve experienced more hurt than a man should ever deal with.  If anyone ever tells you guys don’t cry, they’ve never met me.  I’m 46 years old I fear being invisible to women.  I don’t know what to do with my life but I’m trying to take those feelings to God in prayer because it’s all I’ve got left.  A lot of days I’m just numb.  I feel a bit relieved since the divorce is over.  It gives things some finality.  

 

I’ve often pointed the readers of the blog to 1 Peter 5:7

 

“Give all your worries and cares to God because he cares for you”. 

 

I need that verse more than anyone because I’ve come to a point where I feel I’m not capable of being loved.  Like I said it’s a daily moment by moment of praying and asking God to help me deal with all of this.  If you meet someone who has been divorced, I can tell you in all honesty you don’t know their full story.  They need friends more than you could ever imagine.  I’m not fully emotionally healed, and I don’t know when I will be.  But I continue to seek God.  That’s what I urge you to do as well.  You’re going to have good and bad days just like me but seek God!  

 

I want to close with a few song lyrics.  

 

“When I thought I lost me

You knew where I left me

You reintroduced me to your love

You picked up all my pieces

Put me back together 

You are the defender of my heart”

 

“When I think I’m going under 

Part the waters, Lord

When I feel the waves around me

Calm the sea

When I cry for help, O hear me Lord

And hold out your hand

Touch my life

Still the raging storm in me”

 

 

Part the waters by Selah 

Defender by Francisca Battestelli

Needyou now by Plumb