About
sums it up
Sometimes
you really can’t put into words how you feel and the emotions you go through.
I have good and bad days like most people. There’s a phrase in one
of these verses I’m going to share that sums it up for me. I have a lot
of horrible thoughts that I have dealt with since being divorced. The
words “damaged goods” and “unworthy of love” are things my mind deals with a
lot. I’m at the point I can compliment a woman, but conversation wise I
can’t get much further. I don’t feel like they even know I exist much
less have the ability to find anything attractive in me. It’s a struggle.
I fumble over my own words so much. I’ve read this Psalm
about 6 plus times now and keep reading it over and over again. It’s
simply 6 verses but King David somehow put into words the things I deal with
often. I don’t have a human enemy but my own thoughts that I deal with
often. July 28th if my ex-wife had not left me we would have been married
for 11 years. It was supposed to last, and I thought it would. I’ve
struggled a lot emotionally. Most don’t see my struggle because I go to
work and function as a somewhat normal person even though “normal is only a
setting on the dryer”. I was on an antidepressant for a time but the mind-numbing
headaches that were side effects made it even harder to function. I pray
a lot and try to trust God. My dog helps a lot and so does my family and
a few friends. The days around what would have been my anniversary I told
my friend Patrick how I was feeling and my mom that was it. If Patrick
and I had not gone to comic con together I probably would have spent a lot of
time doing stupid thinking at home or at work. Trust me, the day before I
was mindlessly playing video games just trying to have something else to think
about.
But
I read Psalm 13 and It sums up a lot of how I feel. Just day by day
thoughts and trying to deal with them. I will admit there are days I feel like
when I pray it never goes above the ceiling. But I’ve followed God long
enough to know that’s not true. These are just raw and honest emotions
that I go through. Let me show you what King David has to say because he
put my life into words better than I can. He was even physically hunted
by people out to kill him. I just deal with emotional stuff.
Psalm
13
“How
long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide
your face from me?
How
long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How
long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look
on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give
light to my eyes or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say ‘I have overcome
him,’. And my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But
I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I
will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.”
There’s
another passage I want to share that I keep reading a lot as well and oddly
enough I shared this on Facebook and one of my friends copied the verses and
shared them on her own page, so God had more than one person sharing his word
on that day.
Psalm
5:1-3
“Give
ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing.
Listen
to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.
In
the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before
you and wait in expectation.”
See
in those verses is a reminder that God does hear us even when it feels like our
prayers never get past the ceiling. If you’ve been through depression for
any reason, it can be one of the hardest struggles ever. Push through it
and seek God.
