The
Update and Struggle
There’s
a few who know. There will be more after this. I said not too long
ago that two major things happened to me in October. Now I feel I can
talk about the big one because it’s over. I got kicked off a job site for
reporting a manager of favoritism. Allegedly I was seen as “disruptive “the
only charge they could come up with for me and one of my coworkers.
Another coworker was fired for suggesting there also may have been sexual
activity involved by the manager as well. It was an ugly day. I didn’t
know the next few days would get worse for me. That became a blessing
because I got away from a horrible job and boss. While I was in training
for a new job my wife left me. That has been a major source of pain in my
life. This past week I got the finalization of my divorce. It was
no contest. She divorced me. We didn’t fight over anything.
If I find stuff of hers I simply give it to her mom. She is a grown
woman who made her own choices. She even took the dog with her which was
fine though because the dog only liked her and tolerated me.
Currently
I have no sense of direction or purpose to my life other than going to work,
eating, sleeping and taking care of my dog Arisia. Arisia has been one of
the best things to have happened. My family helps me a lot. I have
a Bible study group I try to go to on Tuesday nights. I’ve been through
hurt, pain, depression, anger, lots of tears and more. I’ve been on an
off an antidepressant. I even wrote a fictional story channeling all my
hurt into my fictional alter ego the White Shadow. For 10 years I was
married I went through good and bad days. I loved my wife and I treated
her the best I could everyday. I tried so hard to make my marriage last
and prayed so hard for us as a couple every day. This is my life now.
Each
day I try to seek God and draw closer to Him. I don’t always get it
right. If I don’t seek Him though I would lose my sanity after all I’ve
gone through. I’ve experienced more hurt than a man should ever deal
with. If anyone ever tells you guys don’t cry, they’ve never met me.
I’m 46 years old I fear being invisible to women. I don’t know what
to do with my life but I’m trying to take those feelings to God in prayer
because it’s all I’ve got left. A lot of days I’m just numb. I feel
a bit relieved since the divorce is over. It gives things some finality.
I’ve
often pointed the readers of the blog to 1 Peter 5:7
“Give
all your worries and cares to God because he cares for you”.
I
need that verse more than anyone because I’ve come to a point where I feel I’m
not capable of being loved. Like I said it’s a daily moment by moment of
praying and asking God to help me deal with all of this. If you meet
someone who has been divorced, I can tell you in all honesty you don’t know
their full story. They need friends more than you could ever imagine.
I’m not fully emotionally healed, and I don’t know when I will be.
But I continue to seek God. That’s what I urge you to do as well.
You’re going to have good and bad days just like me but seek God!
I
want to close with a few song lyrics.
“When
I thought I lost me
You
knew where I left me
You
reintroduced me to your love
You
picked up all my pieces
Put
me back together
You
are the defender of my heart”
“When
I think I’m going under
Part
the
When
I feel the waves around me
Calm
the sea
When
I cry for help, O hear me Lord
And
hold out your hand
Touch
my life
Still
the raging storm in me”
